It’s all to easy these days to be a stable Christian. What we need the most is some excitement in our walk.

With that in mind, I like to offer these tips on how to be a spiritual flake.

 

1.  Hop from Church to Church

Never commit to any one church. Just jump around as much as possible. This will insure that you only hear things that interest you.

Remember, a commitment to one church will limit your ability to flake out over time.

Also, if any little thing bothers you, quit the church immediately. It’s all about you, and should remain that way for you to grow.

 

2.  Let Feelings and Omens Direct Your Life

Be very sensitive to how you’re feeling at every moment and let those feelings guide all your decisions, both major and minor.

In tandem with feelings, let omens direct you as well.

Did you get stopped at three traffic lights on the way to work today? That probably means God wants you to quit your job.

Noticing random song lyrics is always another good way to make life-changing decisions.

Just be aware of every little thing and read a lot of significance into it all.

 

3.  Redefine Your Calling and Purpose Every Week or So

It’s good to keep things fresh so reexamine and redefine your calling and purpose as often as possible; weekly is good but daily is better.

Don’t stick to just one thing; no matter how God has confirmed it to you.

Remember, variety is the spice of life and God certainly wants you to be spicy.

 

4.  Snowball with Other Flakes

There’s no power quite like the power of community, especially if you’re a flake.

Always hang out with as many flakey people as possible. (This is called snowballing.)

Remember, flakes that stick together are exponentially flakey.

Avoid spending time with average, run-of-the-mill, solid, stable people. They will only cramp your style.

 

5.  Fill Your Spirit to Capacity with Preachers You’ve Never Met

Do you best to find as many unique, colorful, and off-beat preachers as you can on the internet. Search YouTube and iTunes for the best assortment.

Remember, the number is important here. Get as many as you can.

Also, it’s best if these preachers subscribe to a lot of conspiracy theories and/or specialize in truths that no other preachers in the history of the church have discovered.

 

6.  Focus on Obscure Doctrines and Greek/Hebrew Word Meanings

Anybody can believe the core beliefs of Christianity, which have been around for two thousand years. You need to focus your theological energies on obscure verses and word meanings.

It’s best to find one verse that stands alone or, better yet, half a verse, and build complex doctrines off of it.

Also, it’s always great to find some definition of a Greek or Hebrew word and build some heretofore undiscovered theological contructs.

Remember, you don’t have to learn, know, or even understand any of the original languages to look up a root word meaning and spin your life off in some new direction.

 

7.  Understand that EVERYTHING is Spiritual Warfare!

Get into the practice of casting demons out of everything and everyone.

Did your DVR fail to record the latest rerun of Touched By an Angel? Cast out that foul, Roma-Downey-hating demon of delayed recordings!

Remember, every problem in your life is probably a demon.

[box border=”full”]PRO TIP: Be sure to have a small vial of anointing oil with you at all times. Demons hate that stuff. (Also, you can make some lovely bruschetta with it in a crunch.)[/box]

 

8.  Always Mix Your Businesses with Your Beliefs

All the churches you currently attend are more than just worship centers. They’re your own private marketplaces to sell things too!

Be sure to leave your sales literature in the bathroom stalls.

Also, never miss an opportunity to try to sell stuff to strangers “new customers in Christ” in the lobby before and after the services.

It’s what God would want.

 

9.  Judge Others as Much as Possible

Take a two-pronged approach when judging others.

First, judge the major stuff. Be sure to call out anything that bothers or offends you. Focus on the obvious sins of others and call them out publicly as a dutiful servant of our gracious Lord.

Don’t just stop there though. Be sure to listen for small verbal issues and correct those as well.

For instance, when you ask someone how they’re doing, if they respond with anything other than, “I’m blessed, brother” then it’s time for a rebuke.

Remember, it’s always about the externals and those externals must be judged.

 

Conclusion

I hope these pointers help you become the flake you’ve always wanted to be. Of course, you could do the opposite of these things too if you wanted to be a boring, stable, growing, methodically-maturing Christian. It’s your call.